Sunday 13 March 2011

Sarah Palin: Moose Murder Barbie Steeps at Mega Tea Party

Faster than speeding bullsh*t, able to reach Russia in a single bound, makin' less sense than Donald "known unknown" Rumsfeld, it's Sarah Palin, the snowbilly Energizer Bunny of America’s right wing: she's baaack!

And this time, she’s partyin’—tea partyin’ that is!

Our Sarah’s been a real busy gal these past few weeks. First there was that book a hers, Goin’ Rogue. Why shoot, when I heard the Queen a Texas Tea had writ herself a real, goldurn book, I wanted to shake her hand--after those early Katie Couric interviews, there were times I doubted she could even READ! But then she streaked past readin’ and writin’ to become a talking head on that station for the unfair and unbalanced, Fox "News." Truly, we live in a age of signs and portents--and that joyful phrase "President Palin" has me convinced the end times we all been prayin' for sure are plum nigh.

Sarah Barracuda's Alaska-to-household-name "common sense" story IS kind a miraculous: any of the women I know who had just given birth to a Down's Syndrome baby and discovered their 17-year-old daughter "with child" wouldn't a had a moment free to run for the White House, what with all the hysteria going on in their OWN houses. But—praise the Lord—when there’s a job to do, NRA members and right-to-lifers charge right in where ordinary fools fear to tread!

But our Grandma Palin ain't no ordinary fool. She’s a lipstick-wearer so on top of things as Governor, wife, and mother of five, that she popped right back to work a mere THREE DAYS after birthin’ young Trig.

I, on the other hand, have yet to recover from my last pregnancy. And that was 15 years ago...

As governor, Palin roamed the legislature halls, skimming through messages with a BlackBerry in each hand. Well Lord sakes, what good thinkin’, keeping your trigger fingers limber despite those long days at the office where you couldn't shoot nobody, much as you mighta wanted to. You betcha!

Me and the gals I know don't have no time to be exercisin' our Second Amendment rights (use it or lose it, girls!), what with all our worryin’ over silly, everyday stuff--like how to get pregnant, how to keep from getting pregnant, how to keep our daughters from getting pregnant, how to find affordable/reliable/quality childcare/healthcare/eldercare, how to juggle our careers and family, how to keep a roof over our heads, how to keep said roof from leaking, and so on. Meantime, Sarah’s doing The Nation’s business and The Lord’s Work, tryin’ to get a handle on where Obama was really born, and getting the scoop on those Canadian death panels!

I guess me and my gal friends will always be handicapped by our small dreams because, as Sarah Palin, former beauty queen and one-time mayor of Wasilla, Alaska (pop. 10,256), has clearly shown, the best way to the top is over the top.

But wait--there’s more!

You Sarah, inspire us--not just by bein’ a whiz bang at shootin’ fish in a barrel (or moose from small planes), but also in knowin’ how to stick to your guns: despite young Bristol's unplanned, out-of-wedlock bumble of joy, apparently you (and Bristol) STILL champion high school sex ed that’s abstinence-only. Well shoot, it's like your whole life is based on the teachin’, "Don't confuse me with the facts! La la la!" You can't even be taught! Tarnation!

A better shot than Dick Cheney, more photogenic than any of the Joes, to this hard as nails moose dressin’ little lady who resurrected the beehive and made the McCain campaign cough up a fabulous new wardrobe, I say: you go, girl!

All hail President Palin for 2012!

You are Dan Quayle without the gravitas, Hillary with none a that pesky, wrinkle-inducin’ experience. As the capitalist economy, the fourth estate, critical thinking and them thar “educated classes” scatter before you like rose petals, you sure give us feminists faith in the future.

At least, in the future of comedy!

(Originally published by me on Open Salon, Feb. 8, 2010)

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